I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
