so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
