wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
