I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
