He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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