I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
