You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
