Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
