the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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