her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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