he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
