I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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