just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
FUCK WHALES
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize