I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
