Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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