I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
