My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
