hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize