I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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