How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
