I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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