I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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