pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
