Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
