You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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