just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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