If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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