I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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