Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
