I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
