you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
