So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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