i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
