apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
