A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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