No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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