thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
