I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
