Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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