my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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