North Korea, Best Korea!
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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