guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Pooping to opera.
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