Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
