he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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