I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
