it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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