I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
