Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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