Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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