Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
