I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
