Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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