just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
