I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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