DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
